so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
