at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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