oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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