One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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