I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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