when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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