Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
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At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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