Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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