Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
