So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
