have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
