bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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