listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
