Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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