I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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