i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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