i would punch a child for taco bell
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
