I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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