I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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