its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
