I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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