i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
