I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
