mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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