You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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