I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
