True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You are a genius and a whore.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
