So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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