I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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