omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
