I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
