I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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