woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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