false alarm. still invincible.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
