BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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