My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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