fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
