Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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