My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
