Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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