we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
