I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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