im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Girls should come with a carfax report
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
