All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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