I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
