I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
