I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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