if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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