Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
