I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
