You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
