just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
