I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just cropdusted the office
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
